As the only staff member of color in my office, this is a topic I’ve been thinking about for a long time. I’m still struggling to put my thoughts and feelings into words, but as I sit in front of my computer on a Sunday evening, faced with going to work Monday morning in wake of the white nationalist rally in Charlottesville, Virginia, I figured it would be better to write something than write nothing at all.

I know that when I walk into work tomorrow, no one will talk about what happened in Virginia. We will talk about what we did over the weekend and we’ll sigh and lament that it’s Monday and that we have a busy week ahead. I know this because I’ve experienced it countless times before.

The day after Terence Crutcher was shot by police officer Betty Shelby in Oklahoma, I had a rousing conversation with the office administrative assistant about how Brad and Angelina were getting a divorce.

When a sniper killed five police officers in Dallas at a peaceful protest, I couldn’t go to sleep until I talked to my mom and brother on the phone to make sure they were safe. It was well after midnight, but I called and called until they finally picked up the phone. The next morning, it was work as usual. Despite being exhausted and frightened, I got through my work day with forced smiles.

When Jeronimo Yanez, Philando Castile’s murderer, was found not guilty, when Betty Shelby was acquitted, when countless other tragedies occurred that chipped away at my humanity and faith, when I was afraid to leave my house and nothing in the world felt right, I still got up, went to work, and did my job. And as I met with students and answered emails and smiled and went about my day, it felt like I was the only person in my office who didn’t think it was business as usual.

And now, in the wake of the events on the University of Virginia campus in Charlottesville, I get to go to work tomorrow and wonder if one of my coworkers is a tiki torch carrying white supremacist. I get to wonder if a similar protest could happen on the college campus where I work. Neo-Nazi propaganda has been popping up around town, these awful groups targeting bulletin boards and free speech areas at the college across town with their message of hate. Will my school be next? And if so, will I again be the lone brown person in my office trying to pretend everything is normal?